Round 1, Day 6: ADF

November 22, 2008 at 10:04 pm

I survived last night’s Bunco Night, but it left me with a whole new respect for my mother.  How she can have endured as many social occasions as she has without either breaking down and eating or completely losing her mind, I don’t know.

The worst thing was that I was wrong in my assumptions yesterday.  Kate did serve chocolate, but it didn’t dominate her menu last night.  In fact, she called me before I left and said, “I just wanted to tell you to come hungry.  I made a ton of food for tonight, and you know how these women are.  I don’t want to make all this and have no one eat it.”

Great.   I assured her that ‘coming hungry’ was not a problem, but helping her out by eating generous portions of her spread might be more of an issue.  She groaned, but didn’t give me too hard of a time.  Her offerings last night consisted of Schwann’s hors d’ourves.  Spinach rolls, cheese tarts, breaded shrimp, homemade potato chips, pumpkin bread…  and lots of WINE.   Moreover, on each table she had bowls of candy bars for our snacking pleasure.

She needn’t have worried; the other ladies present were only too happy to eat what she put out, so she wasn’t in need of me to be her backup glutton.   Not that I really think that was her idea; she was just warning me not to eat dinner before I came.  But still… her call caused me to reflect upon every social occasion I’ve attended in which I mentally tallied how many times others returned to the snack table for ‘seconds’ compared to me, and whether or not others noticed how much I was eating.  Were they thinking, ‘No wonder she looks like that.  Look at how much she eats!’, or were they concerned enough with their own plates and scores and lives to notice?  I would guess the latter, when I’m being objective, but I always seem to be uncomfortably aware that the former is a possibility.  I mean, *I* am noticing, after all.

Such supersensitivity is one of the perils of living fat.   Since you’re going into every social situation with a pretty major personal flaw that is right out there and obvious, it’s almost impossible not to spend the occasion wondering what others are thinking about you as a result.   I know that everyone has flaws, and everyone is aware of them, and maybe everyone is sensitive about SOMETHING… but I do know that most flaws are somewhat hide-able, and that certainly helps in most cases.  Fat, however, is one of those flaws that one really cannot hide unless one is REALLY creative with one’s wardrobe, and even that has limits.  So basically, fat people go into every situation vulnerable from the get-go, and I, for one, end up being rather emotionally fragile as a result.

Andy’s parents like me; this much I know.  My upbringing was similar to Andy’s, and his parents tend to be disposed toward liking as opposed to disliking in most situations, so our in-law situation is, on the whole, pretty good.  Andy’s Mom is also at least as overweight as I am, possibly more, so we sort of exonerate each other in that way.  It’s a good relationship, and I’m grateful for it.

Despite this warm-fuzziness, Andy’s father is getting up there in years, and he’s getting to that point where sometimes he says things that come across all wrong.  I don’t think he’s even intentionally insinuating anything; he just doesn’t realize how certain things sound.  Naturally, he occasionally says things that sting me on the subject of my weight.  The most notorious example of this occurred one night while we were visiting, and we happened to be eating dinner at their house.  Andy’s dad offered me a second helping of corn and I accepted, at which point he clapped me on the shoulder affectionately and said, “That’s one thing we know about our Jenny.  She always comes with a healthy appetite!”

Uh…thanks…I guess.  I’m pretty sure he thought he was being complimentary.  In fact, I would bet money on it.  He probably IS really grateful that I’m not fussy and that I seem to like whatever is being served to me.  But still…. appetite.  Not a good conversation topic with an overweight girl, Dad B.  Ouch.

Later that same evening, we were sitting in the basement watching television together.  One of the kids — I think it was Susanna — was still in the newborn stage at the time, so I had her snoozing comfortably against my chest as I lay on the sofa.  Andy’s dad came into the room and admired her angelic little sleeping face and said, “I bet that’s comfortable, sleeping on Mom’s tummy.  It’s so big and soft.”

*sigh*

Again, clearly he wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings or even insinuate anything.  If he were, he would have something far more direct, I’m sure.  But knowing this didn’t stop me from wincing, if only because he COULD have been offering commentary and no one — myself included — could have blamed him.  I DO eat a lot, and my stomach IS big.

The freedom from the need to fret over such things will be a nice perk to all of this, if I can carry off my weight loss.

I will say, though, that as tough as it was to sit there and watch everyone else enjoying these positively mouthwatering hors d’ourves while I sipped a pathetic glass of water all night, I did enjoy a certain sense of accomplishment as I drove home at the end.  EVERYTHING in me wanted the shrimp, at least, and I still refrained.   That was, in and of itself, a kind of victory, and I am proud of myself.  I’m even prouder of myself that I didn’t make a production of it.   The whole night no one even noticed that I wasn’t eating, nor said anything about it, which was good.

The only downside, I guess, was that I was getting spacey by the end.  I was having to work hard to concentrate on what number we were rolling.  Occasionally I had to keep score, which was REALLY hard.. trying to concentrate on the conversation, the score, and stave off my hunger pangs was challenging.   I think in the future, I’ll probably go ahead and swap out Bunco nights for Saturday, just so I’m not miserable.  But even so, I’m glad I faced it last night and won.  It’s nice to know I can win.

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Entry filed under: ADF, Successes.

Round 1, Day 5: ADF Round 1, Day 7: ADF


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