ADF/WW: Day 21

December 28, 2008 at 2:39 pm

Done and Done.  Today’s the last day, and I’m dutifully journalling my food, like a good girl.

Yesterday was weird, though.  I noticed something interesting.  I had a breakfast that consisted of cereal, some salted pistachios  and an Asiago Cheese Bagel, which basically meant that I’d blown a good 16 or something right out of the box.  I was good for lunch and had a plate of veggies and dip with some strawberries.  I snacked on a couple of cookies, though, so by the time I tallied everything up, I had exactly 1 point left over for dinner.  Yuck.

I made a mistake at that point.  I disobeyed the Weight Watchers’ mandate about checking your weight.  WW firmly preaches that you should avoid the scale except during scheduled weigh-ins, because your body weight fluctuates so much during the day and from day to day that you’re bound to get discouraged if you check every five minutes.  They advise you to pick a weighing time and day of the week and really try to stick with it.  I’ve obviously been doing my Weigh-ins on Monday mornings, first thing, as that gives me a read following two ‘eating days’ (so I feel like I can trust the value is ‘real’ and not just post-fasting-day weight, which seems less valid in my mind).  However, last week I cheated a couple of times and checked early and was happy about what I saw.  I guess I figured I could get away with doing it again yesterday.

The scale said 230.4.  This was just after my big breakfast yesterday, so that probably shouldn’t have been any sort of a surprise.  But that number clanged around in my head a lot thereafter, and I tried to think… gosh, just how much did I EAT on Christmas day, anyway?  Did I really eat enough to gain three pounds back again?  Even given the ‘I-Day’, I still felt like I’d been somewhat conservative, limiting myself to two cookies, eating mostly fruit salad, harvest salad and crudites for the Christmas meal, only taking one serving of brunch dish.  Could that really have undone me so completely?

So this was in my head as I faced dinner.  I still had Weekly points to work with, granted, but given Christmas I was really hoping not to touch them.   After all, I thought, if I weigh 230 now, going way over points today and tomorrow is only going to make me weigh even MORE come Monday.   Still.. 1 point for dinner?  But….it’s an eating day, and I’m not supposed to be hungry.  I’m supposed to be satisfied!

And to say I was hungry was an understatement.  I was in that dangerous, uncontrolled mode of drifting around the kitchen, desperate to get food in my mouth.  Inside my head my determined-to-stay-on-course self wrestled with the part of me that wanted very much to obey my cravings, even though it wasn’t clear exactly what it was I wanted.  It didn’t help that Andy announced that rather than make me cook, he wanted to go out and get some Imo’s Pizza.  After all, this was an eating day, right?  I glumly conceded that it was, and then spent the time he was gone to get the food trying to decide what to do and to talk myself to into actually obeying whatever I decided.

I did two things of which I am proud.  First, I made myself two big glasses of ice water and drank them both.  Second, I walked out of the kitchen and sat down on the steps.  I knew objectively that as hungry as I believed I was, I wasn’t really hungry.  There was a definite difference between what I was feeling right then and the sensation of actual hunger I feel on fasting days, though for awhile there I couldn’t quite put my finger on why it was different.  Then it hit me:  the ache I was feeling wasn’t in my stomach, but in my MOUTH.

That probably sounds a little absurd.  It looks absurd as I type it.  But it is true.  I was mainly feeling it sort of..below my tongue.  Like it was originating in my salivary glands, which does, I suppose, make sense.  It was kind of a big moment for me.  This is the sensation that has undone me, foodwise, more often than not.  Why my brain reads it as hunger when it’s clearly far removed from my stomach, I don’t know… a well-trained, carefully honed habit, I suppose.  But as much as diet books and such talk about ‘learning what it feels like to be really hungry’, until that moment I had never sorted out the difference.   In my mind, that achey salivary sensation is hunger, and that, I think, has been a big part of my problem.

When Andy came in with the pizza, I decided to let myself eat one piece of cheese pizza.  This came to bout six points, which means a 5-point dip into the weekly stash, but it was well below my usual pizza consumption and the craving ache aside, I really WAS starting to feel genuinely hungry.  I figure if I AM over last week’s weight, it’s a lesson to me not to get cavalier with my diet, even during the holidays.

So… ending my second 21-day run with a helpful realization is sort of appropriate, I think.  Today I have been good.  I have eaten my vegetables and kept my points reasonable.  I have a healthy chicken recipe planned for dinner.  Hopefully tomorrow won’t be a huge disappointment, but if it is, I will just have to bear up and do better next week.  The exercise should help some.


Entry filed under: ADF, Weight Watchers. Tags: , , .

ADF/WW: Day 20 ADF/WW: Weigh In

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