Exercise+ Day 5: Had a Bad Day, Takin’ One Down…

January 23, 2009 at 1:03 pm 3 comments

And…it’s cold again.  Of course.  Welcome to Missouri.  So we’re back to the grind, except that we’re lacking Zack.   My parents take each of the grandkids in turn and spend the day with them, taking them to fun places and doing cool things.  Today is Zack’s big day, so he’s off spending time with the Grandparents while Noah and I work on schoolwork here.  He’s going to have some serious catching up to do tomorrow. :/  Oh well.

I have a hair appointment set for Monday afternoon.  My reward for completing the last 21-day cycle successfully.  I don’t think I’m going to do anything very radical — full-head highlights, for sure, and a cut up to about chin-level, maybe put back my sideways bangs in front.  That’s what I had done last time, and I liked it.    After that, I will submit to pictures and post them.

I am…not in a good mood today.  I don’t know exactly why, other than just because it’s been a frustrating week and I’m frustrated by my own frustration, if that makes any sense.  Things are better now than they were early in the week, but I still find myself thinking grouchy thoughts.   This morning I put on a size XL T-shirt and it fits.  It’s not even like…on the verge of fitting but still a little tight.  It just plain fits.  I have apparently kicked one of the Terrible Twos (as in 2XL) out of my life now.  And that’s a good thing, right?

Right.  Except that my first thought when I put it on and looked at myself was, “How is it that I could have lost 30+ pounds, and no one has even noticed?”   I mean, I realize that’s not entirely fair; my Mom has said I’m looking thinner, Andy tolerantly assures me I look thinner when I ask him.  But no one else has commented, really.  I still have yet to have anyone say, “Are you losing weight?  You look thinner.”

Of course, why am I fretting about this?  I brought it up in this journal before now more or less as a joke.. but at the time I figured I was due for a comment like that at SOME point or another.  Granted, as I’ve pointed out before, it IS winter and where fashion and comfort intersect usually involves bulkier clothing… but I guess I think…does my FACE not look any different?  Am I wearing a full-length parka everywhere I go?  Surely I must look a LITTLE different!

Pangie says she suspects that if anything, it’s a culture thing.  The idea that pointing out someone’s weight loss, even in the name of telling them they look good, is sort of a backhanded compliment because it suggests they were fat before.  I can kind of understand this, but at the same time, anyone who is actively trying to lose weight is doing it because they themselves believed they were overweight to start with.  So saying, “You look like you’ve lost weight!” is pretty much bound to be received well no matter what, right?

I mean, I certainly knew I was fat before; I even know I’m still fat now. And maybe that’s why I’m frustrated.  As much as I’ve done, the fact that no one has really noticed seems to suggest it wasn’t all that much at all.  I still have a long way to go, and I realize that.. But it is sort of cultural among the women around me to acknowledge in complimentary fashion when someone appears to be losing weight.  I feel sort of… rejected…because no one has acknowledged my weight loss yet.

And then I’m frustrated with myself for feeling like that.  This isn’t supposed to be about compliments and attention, right?   This is supposed to be about…. Um… Hm.   What IS it about?  Fitting onto a roller coaster?  I’m probably safe enough THERE at this point, so by that logic I could just quit and maintain now.    I know it’s supposed to be about my health and fitness, but frankly I feel just fine right now, thank you very much, and have no real reason to fret over either as I have no major health problems, no red flags for health problems, and I’m fit enough to do what needs to be done in my life.   So that’s not it either.  So what IS it about?

If I’m brutally honest, it’s now about LOOKING GOOD.  And since I only see myself when I happen to glance in a mirror, apparently it’s about looking good TO OTHER PEOPLE.  I want the self-confidence that comes with walking into a room and knowing others looking at me have no reason to find me anything but acceptably attractive, and possibly even admirably so.   So as lame as it sounds, it does come down to compliments and admiring attention.   If others aren’t noticing a difference, what the hell am I doing this for?

This is a silly line of thought.   Deep down, I believe that the notice and admiration is there, even if it’s not expressed.  I believe this because *I* have admired (or at least felt relieved for) people who have lost weight and I have occasionally not expressed it because it just wasn’t an appropriate time to do so or whatever.  I must remember that I did skip Bunco this month, and most of the other contact I’ve had with the women I of my acquaintance has been at church or during handbells, which are not exactly great times for such conversations.  I effectively gave up the one purely social opportunity I had to be around the people most likely to comment in an atmosphere that invites commenting.  I have no one to blame but myself.

So as peevish as I am tempted to feel, I don’t think this is the mountain I’ll choose to die on.  But like I said, I’m in a bad mood, I don’t want to be, so I’m feeling frustrated and round and round and round.  I hate it when I’m like this.

So..I’m going to wrap this up and do something productive for awhile.  Work with the kids on schoolwork and do some web work and clean the kitchen.  Something that makes me feel like I’m accomplishing stuff and gets my mind off of it. It’s a Down Day, which probably isn’t helping my mood anyway.

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Entry filed under: ADF, Exercise, Successes, Weight Watchers. Tags: , , , , , , , .

Exercise+, Day 4: It’s a Beautiful Morning Sing a sad song just to turn it around…

3 Comments

  • 1. Michelle  |  January 23, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    People who have known you at different weights won’t notice. At least, I won’t be able to tell because you’re Jen at lots of different weights to me. It was actually the same with myself for quite a while. It’s just been recently that I can look at fat pictures and say, wow, that doesn’t look like me. Have you bought new clothes yet? If not, that’s the problem. Clothes that are too big just make you look fat. Wanna go shopping?

  • 2. melalvai  |  January 23, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    I bet you can’t wait for next Bunco night now!

  • 3. Jennifer  |  January 23, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    I’ll look forward to it even more if I can eat while I’m there next time. 😉


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