Sing a sad song just to turn it around…

January 23, 2009 at 10:05 pm 4 comments

Today I did something I haven’t actually done in awhile…  I wrote the journal entry for today when I wasn’t walking.  Because today began with such a lot of angst and such, I decided to funnel my energy into cleaning the house rather than coming down here to walk right away.  As a result, it’s now 9:43 pm, and I’m only at 71 minutes.  So I’m writing again, to give myself something to do.

And I have to say… this is the first time since I started doing this whole thing that walking on this treadmill has seemed like a chore.  I mean, like a REAL chore.   As in: I would pretty much step right off of this stupid treadmill and not look back right this minute if I didn’t think it would only make me feel even worse in the long run. I pledged to do this, and I’m going to do it… but for the first time, I’m not proud of it.  I just don’t even care right now.

I do NOT know what is wrong with me, I really don’t!  There is this big cloud of ‘screw it’ over my head, and I have no idea why.   It’s not like I’m not losing weight, or  like something specific happened.  I don’t even think the ‘no comments’ thing I mentioned earlier is really my issue; I think it’s just something I normally wouldn’t care about, but I hit on it hard because my current frustration and resentment needed a place to land.  Like I said: I know, deep down, that that is nothing to be upset about.

And it IS spiralling.  I keep trying to talk myself out of this funk I’m in, and nothing is working….so I feel even more frustrated, and now I’m finding myself battling negative feelings on fronts that were pretty safe ground before.  Tonight I was sitting there eating my Healthy Vision blend at the dinner hour, and at one point I looked at my steamed zucchini and carrots in their modified butter and rosemary sauce and thought, “I can NOT eat this crap anymore.”   What. The. Hell?!  In the two months since I discovered those things, I have never once faced a Down Day meal with disgust and just forced myself because it was what I had told myself to do.  In fact, I’ve been really proud to find I LIKED them?  Why suddenly do I now think of them as ‘crap’?

Ugh… It’s like something in me split into two this weekend.  I can’t even blame hormones, because that issue would have occurred LAST WEEK, not now.    How can I stand here and rationally see what I’m doing and still be muttering, “The minute this stupid treadmill hits 120, I am a MEMORY.”?!   What is going on with me?!

I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.   I’M NOT THERE YET.  Why am I kicking my own feet out from under myself?

I keep trying to remind myself of all of the good things..   Putting on a shirt marked XL and having it miraculously fit without looking like I’m trying to look like a teenager with no fashion sense who is accentuate her breast size.  Being able to feel my pelvis again.  Being able to feel my jawbone line from my chin all the way back to my ear. The way my legs look, and that amazing bulge of calf muscle that I can actually see defined now.  Looking down and NOT SEEING STOMACH.  The prospect of putting a picture on my Facebook page that I’m not embarrassed for my friends to see.   Putting on a jacket that fit me in November and realizing it’s actually TOO BIG now, and just hangs on me like it belongs to Andy or something.   Going into the closet and realizing I don’t have any jeans to wear because the only pair that is SMALL ENOUGH to fit me is in the laundry.

Maybe Michelle is right.. Maybe I need to go clothes shopping.  Not necessarily to buy clothes, but maybe to remind myself of the world I started to feel a part of when this all started paying off.  The idea of walking not into CJ Banks or Lane Bryant, but maybe… Ann Taylor Loft.  Or Gap.  I have honestly never cared one way or the other about the clothes themselves, never having been a slave to high fashion or anything; they cost so much and the styles just aren’t ME.  But there’s always been this added barrier of ‘..and they obviously wouldn’t fit me anyway’… that I would just like to walk right through one of these days.  Just…walk into Ann Taylor Loft and peruse without everyone around me thinking, “Well, SHE is clearly shopping for someone else…”

I hated that.  I do not want to go back to that.  I won’t do it.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now, but I WILL figure it out, and when I do I will stomp on it as hard as I can.

You know, I cheated this week.. I stepped on the scale around midday today.  The day after an  up day.  I’d eaten a banana for breakfast, and I was fully clothed with a jacket on.  215.4.  That’s on the bathroom scale, BTW, so that means that under the worst circumstances, I already weigh less than I weighed at my Weigh-in on Monday.   It is still working, clearly, so where the heck is this terrible attitude coming from?

At least I’m to 93 minutes now.  And counting. I’ll make it.  I promised myself I would.  And when I do, I am going to bed.  I need to get myself out of this somehow, and maybe a good night’s sleep is what I need.

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Exercise+ Day 5: Had a Bad Day, Takin’ One Down… Exercise+, Day 6: Friends, Gastric Bypass and Thou

4 Comments

  • 1. melalvai  |  January 24, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Sleep works wonders.
    Sleep is a fascinating thing…even now no one is quite sure why we need it. Not all animals with brains sleep.

  • 2. Jennifer  |  January 24, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I know… And not all humans sleep either. Isn’t that supposed to have been one of the quirks of Alexander Graham Bell?

    And of course, there’s Jordan from Real Genius. 😉

  • 3. Michelle  |  January 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Real life is hard. These are not habits that you chose for the habits themselves, and the honeymoon is bound to end. But no infidelity allowed! I would also say that it might be more hormones than you realize because as you lose weight your response to hormones will change.
    This stage is something that meetings help with. You realize that it’s not just you and everyone goes through these stages.

  • 4. Jennifer  |  January 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Maybe… Maybe my body, so used to having more of me to communicate with, sent out more than the necessary allotment of hormones and they’re just taking awhile to waste away. In fact, I remember last week noticing that I’d not noticed ANY PMS symptoms at all. So maybe there was just some kind of delay.

    But yeah, I know what you mean about meetings. I just wish they weren’t so expensive and inconvenient. WW had a Mommy and Me meeting when Amy and I were going regularly, but it wasn’t very Mommy and Me, when you got right down to it. It was just okay to bring kids along; there wasn’t anything for them to DO. When the kids in question are my kids’ ages, an hour of boring is a bad, bad thing. 😉


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