Exercise+, Day 15: Saying Goodbye to Whiny Week

February 2, 2009 at 10:33 am 1 comment

I think I’ve finally left the spectres of last week behind me.  A perfect example of eating and dieting representing as much a psychological situation as a physiological one.  Looking back on the whole week now, I was just plain depressed, and I was taking it out on myself, my diet, the kids’ school, everything.  And as a result, everything suffered.  The kids are behind in school, I struggled every single day to stay on my diet plan, I didn’t accomplish anything for PCG, and the house fell apart around me.

What had me depressed?  Probably everything I mentioned in my posts last week, in one way or another.  Trying to do too much, failing at it, feeling bad about failing at it, missing my younger days when I didn’t have so many responsibilities, resenting said responsibilities in light of my longing to go back to those earlier days, guilt because the resentment suggested bad things about me, whatever.  Those kinds of things tend to be cumulative for me, but when I get like that I can only stand so much of it before I just get sick of myself and decide to knock it off.  I seem to be a tipping-point person in every aspect of my life, from housekeeping to weight loss to hair care to depression.  I tend to let things slide just so far and smack myself back to flying right again.

But I’ve come away from last week with some encouraging truths, too.  I know I keep referring to ‘in the past’, but quite frankly, a week like last week would have ruined me back when I was just trying to do Weight Watchers and that’s it.  So I’m glad, in spite of how I was feeling, that I forced myself to walk, forced myself to respect my Down Days.  Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t have lost the three pounds or so that I did.

And recognizing my tendency toward tipping-point action is also good.  I don’t think there’s much I can do to change that aspect of myself, and to be perfectly honest it does tend to work for me.  Something in me needs to see dramatic success for my efforts, which is what happens when I let the house get messy and then go at it like a white tornado for a day.  Same thing with my hair; letting it grow out and become unwieldy, and then the change is all the more dramatic when I do go get it done.  Weight loss has been like that too, going from 240 pounds and sedentary to 210 and active in 12 weeks; I don’t think I would have been satisfied with less.

Obviously, because I never have been.

That said, I do worry about what’s to come.  Last week’s plateau did have a role in my depression, no matter how hard I tried to be pragmatic about it.  I know that there are more weeks like that coming, and no matter how reasonably I explain this to myself and try to prepare mentally for them, I know they’re going to bum me out.  I don’t know how to stop that from happening.

Ideally, I guess, I will just gradually nudge my tipping-point closer to acceptable overall.  It’s a process, just like anything else.

Oh, and something else too:   I have determined that part of my psychosis involves how the day has gone thus far.   When I get up first thing in the morning and I do the requisite Good Things that I feel I ought to be doing, the rest of the day usually goes pretty well.   If, however, I don’t do what I set out to do first thing in the morning, no matter what I do for the rest of the day, I never feel like I can completely make up for it.

For example, if I get up in the morning and eat the breakfast I planned for myself, take my vitamins and attend to the kids the way I should, on the whole the day tends to be productive.  School gets done, I exercise at a reasonable time, and I tend to feel on top of the day.   If I wake up late, rush through breakfast and/or allow myself to be distracted by something I know I shouldn’t my top priority right then (for example, Facebook, a Wii Game, NarniaMUCK, etc.), no matter how I handle the rest of the day, that guilt plagues me and I can’t get back on track.

So… starting out right is important for me, I guess.  Today I got up at 7:45, got the kids dressed, got myself dressed, and made them oatmeal for breakfast.  They were dispatched to clean their rooms while I loaded the dishwasher and ran it, and now they’re down here cleaning up the fallout from last night’s party.  (Having 12 children in our playroom tends to leave it messy. ;))   Meanwhile, I hate an 85-calorie breakfast, and I am walking at 10:30 am today, not at 10:30 pm as on previous days.  It will feel good to face the evening knowing that I have already taken care of my self-imposed obligations there.

I would also like to go on record saying that right now I am wearing a pair of loose-fitting, elastic-waisted lounge pants, but they are size XL, not XXL.  Despite the fact that they are well-laundered, they aren’t even remotely tight on me.  Boo yah.

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Entry filed under: Exercise, Successes. Tags: , , , , , , , , , .

Weight Check: Week 2 Exercise+, Day 16: Life Changes

1 Comment

  • 1. melalvai  |  February 2, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    It’s actually kind of nice when you can put a finger on the reasons you’re depressed. All too often I can only look around and say “hormones maybe? weather?”

    You should be really proud that you stuck to everything despite being down. I think those times will be the biggest achievements for you. Congratulations! You are an inspiration. 🙂


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