Cleaning, Day 15: Pushing Through…

May 4, 2009 at 9:50 pm

I’m walking, but I don’t want to be.  :/   This past weekend was so crazy, it’s left me feeling anxious and exhausted.  All I want to do is crawl in bed and pray the world goes away.

Crawl into my made bed.  I’m still being good about that, at least.

I wonder sometimes if the ADF thing is making stuff like this have a greater effect on me than it would otherwise.    I had an argument with my family.   This is hardly the first time that’s ever happened, and it’s even resolved now.. We’ve all made up and it should be fine, so why can’t I let it go?   Instead, I just keep dwelling on it, feeling sick and panicky.   I sort of wander through the house, half of my brain buzzing with thoughts bordering on fatalistic while the other half tries in vain to get me to knock this off.  I keep trying to do things to keep myself busy and distract myself, but the effects are only temporary and as soon as whatever I’m doing is done, I’m right back to wanting to curl up in a ball and cry…for no reason whatsoever.

I think I now understand that commercial that says, ‘Depression hurts.’.   I’ve been down before, been lonely, been anxious.. but it’s never been like this.  I’ve never felt so utterly alone and helpless, never felt so much like everything I ever thought was good about myself was so obviously false or worthless.   No matter what I think about, it always spirals into some horrible scenario in which there is hurt and destruction everywhere, and it’s all my fault.   I’m tempted to wonder if the reason why this is THIS BAD is because I’ve screwed up my body chemistry some, but then I have to admit that on the whole, I’ve been pretty normal throughout this whole ADF thing, and the fight on Friday WAS pretty horrible.

So I’m still walking… I didn’t eat anything during the day; it was a Down Day anyway, of course, but the thought of putting food in my mouth just makes me feel sick.  I AM trying to drink water, though; this weight loss, nice as it is, scares me a little.   The little scolding I get from the Wii Fit and WeightWatchers is one thing, but nearly 7 pounds in one week is a bit much even for me.

The worst thing about the way I’m feeling is that today is Zack’s birthday.  We went out to Chuck E.Cheese’s for dinner tonight, and I was really working hard to muster enough enthusiasm to stay positive and make sure he and the kids had a great time.  I guess in the broad scheme of things, it was actually good that we chose to go THERE, since it meant the kids were too distracted by the flashing lights and video games to be too concerned about what I was doing.  And I was perfectly happy to stay at the table and be the official ticket-collector and token-distributor.   This freed Andy up to go do other things, and since I had such a terrible drop in my weight, I even allowed myself to eat whatever I felt like eating from the salad bar.  Admittedly, this wasn’t much, but if you’re going to ‘cheat’ on a Down Day, I guess starving yourself all day and then nibbling on salad bar stuff is the way to do it.

Tomorrow will be better.   It has to be.

Entry filed under: Cleaning, Successes. Tags: , , , , , .

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