Cleaning, Day 17: Depression Hurts…

May 6, 2009 at 8:24 pm

Cleaning is done.  I’m being a good girl.

And now the fog from earlier in the week seems to be lifting some.  However, I’m still having anxiety attacks.   In fact, I’m now getting to the point where I am getting anxious about my anxiety attacks.  Oh, the fun!

I’d like to go on record here and just say that THIS IS NOT TYPICAL OF ME.    I mean, I have been known to have anxiety attacks once in a great while, sure… but this whole depression/anxiety/blah blah blah… This hasn’t happened to me ever before, as far as I can remember.  I get upset about things, but I bounce back.  I might get anxious, but it’s one attack and we move on.  It’s never been the way it is now, with this constant, agitated buzzing going on in my head and the constant worry that if I let my brain settle on any one thought process for too long, I’m going to send myself into another attack.

At least the attacks themselves are not that bad.  I had one that was worse, on Sunday morning, but otherwise it’s been fairly typical.  During the day I’m mostly fine, but by the evening my chest starts feeling preemptorially tight and I get a lump in my throat that I can’t completely swallow.  The fears and doubts start clanging around in my head, and I have to make serious effort to focus on something — ANYTHING — else…otherwise my heart will start racing and I’ll get that horrible desolated sensation that disaster is lurking on the horizon and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, and the fact that it is there at all is all my fault.

The question is…why is this happening?   Is this just fallout from the weekend?  It was a family argument, yes.  It was a very EMOTIONAL family argument, yes.   It shook me up and made me question things I have held onto very firmly all my life, but in the end, it was just an emotional family argument.  And it’s not even as if anyone is still mad at me now.  There’s been a lot of talking since, everyone seems to be more or less okay now.  Why can’t I stop doing this?

Oh, and the middle of the night is the WORST.  I consistently wake up around 4:00 a.m. freaking out about something.  Usually the kids’ schoolwork, which is kind of silly.  We have until the 27th to finish what’s left, and it honestly isn’t that much.  It’s just that somehow at 4:00 a.m., it seems like this monumental thing that I’ll never, EVER get done on time, and even if I do, the fact that we had to rush it here at the 11th hour means I’ve utterly failed them, they will never succeed in life, and it will be all my fault.

Which makes me wonder if it IS the diet?  I mean, as I have noted previously, I cannot feel right blaming ADF entirely, since I’ve been doing it for five and a half months now and this is the first situation like this that has come up.  But it could be that the up-and-down caloric intake is somehow exacerbating my problems here.  I have to admit, I have ceased to be as careful about what I eat on my Up Days as I used to be, and I’ve been kind of bad about remembering to take my vitamins too.  That could be part of it.

I hope so… I sure am tired of this.  I don’t think I ever really understood what people who ‘struggle with depression’ go through until now.  I knew it went beyond just ‘being sad’, but I never had any idea how achey it makes you, or how scary it could be.  That commecial I cited before keeps coming to mind. “Where does depression hurt?  Everywhere.  Whom does depression hurt?  Everyone.”  Yeah.. I get that now.    My poor kids are probably wondering what happened to their Mommy. 😦

I think tomorrow I’m going to make a concerted effort to take my vitamins and see what that does.  At worst, it can’t hurt anything.  Andy is starting to make noises of concern.  He was asking me tonight whether I wanted to call our counselor and ask for a prescription for Zoloft or something.   I’m still not sure I’m ready to go that route, as much as I hate what’s going on right now.  I’d much rather try to get the schoolwork done and try to be better about my diet first, at least.

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Entry filed under: Cleaning, Successes. Tags: , , .

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