Cleaning, Day 18: I’m doing Science!

May 7, 2009 at 8:46 pm

Cleaning done.  As usual, I have nothing much to say about it beyond that.   Luke smeared stuff on the wall and I had to scrub it off, but that’s about the extent of my bed-making/kitchen-cleaning news today.

On to other things.

I did as I wrote about yesterday and took my vitamins first thing this morning.  These days I take a complete multivitamin that claims to be formulated specifically for weight loss, as well as two Vitamin E capsules and an Omega-3 capsule.   I figure the Vitamin E couldn’t hurt my skin, and the Omega-3 is just plain a good idea.  I’m not a particular fan of flaxseed, now that I can’t seem to find my Blueberry-Flaxseed granola anywhere anymore. :/

Anyway, it did seem to help, believe it or not.  Now, whether that was a psychosomatic reaction or convenient timing or an actual effect, I don’t know.. But I’m not going to argue with it.  It’s not as if taking vitamins is otherwise a bad idea, after all.

I meant to mention this before (and in fact it might be part of my anxiety problem, in addition to the schoolwork issue, but I don’t know), but in the aftermath of the drama of the Weekend, I told Andy about Danville.   As it happens, Danville is also looking for four math teachers at the high school level, and one more at the middle school level.   The pay there is not as high as what Andy makes here, of course, but it’s not SO much less that it’s prohibitive, either.  After all, the cost of living is that much less there, and while that tudor-style house I loved is now sold, there’s actually something even better there now:  a house the same size as our current house, sitting on six acres just on the edge of town, for only $119K!  I mean, the more I think about it, the more I love it and the more I want to go.   Andy was surprisingly amenable to giving it a shot, too.   Danville is about the same size as the town where he grew up in Iowa, so it has a certain appeal for him, I guess.

So, we’ve been putting preliminary wheels in motion.. filling out the online application, recruiting and scanning in the appropriate documents, etc.  It’s been sort of a lengthy process, but we’re getting there.  We’ve also called in some realtor friends of ours to give us an honest rundown of our chances of selling our house.  We’ll see what they say.

The good thing there is that it’s given me something nice to think about when the anxiety starts in… but it’s also a lot of added potential stress.   All the work that would be required to get the house ready to go on the market, for example.  And the stress of the application process too.  Last night’s 4:00 a.m. Extravaganza was my reference letters — or, rather, my lack thereof, given my current situation.  I’m hardly the first teacher to go on maternity haitus, and it’s not as if I’ve rested on my laurels the whole time since, but still.  I really am starting to want this to happen, so it’s become another subject worthy of freaking out over.

I made a big mistake earlier and researched Panic Attacks online.  Why don’t I learn?  That just made me feel like I was a mental case, and like I need to check myself into the insane ward at the hospital posthaste.   There was talk of something called a Panic Disorder, which happens when you get so worked up about your anxiety attacks that you start actively avoiding rooms of the house or certain situations beause you’re afraid of triggering another attack.  I can actually relate to that; after the bad one on Sunday, I was avoiding taking a shower on Monday for that very reason.  I made myself go up and take one, though, because I wasn’t about to sit around and let myself slide into something like that without a fight.   Apparently for some people, this is what leads to the Ambrose Monk phenomenon, where sufferers get so worked up that they isolate themselves in their homes or even in one room because they think it’s the only place they can trust not to send them into an anxiety attack.

Don’t you just love it when someone draws a line from where you stand to something like that?  Great.  So if I don’t kick this thing, I’ll end up curld up in my bed, terrified to go out the front door.    That sounds kind of peaceful, actually, but yeah… not so healthy.  Anyway, how would I get to Danville if I did that?

So… I’m now forcing myself NOT to do that.   I realized yesterday that I was spending an inordinate amount of time in Zachary’s room, ostensibly cleaning it up while I talked on the phone.  The truth is, I felt ‘safe’ in there, because most of the anxiety attacks I have been having take place either in my own bedroom or somewhere on the main floor.  So today I made myself stay on the main floor as much as possible so I could break that cycle too.

I really hate this.  I feel so DEFECTIVE. :/  But at least the vitamins today helped.   If it wasn’t the vitamins themselves, maybe I’m just plain recovering from whatever this is.  Either way, I’d be glad.

Entry filed under: Cleaning, Successes. Tags: , , , , .

Cleaning, Day 17: Depression Hurts… Money, Day 1: Remember me?

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