ADD, Day 2: The Drive…

November 18, 2010 at 6:36 am 5 comments

Day 1 was successful.  Almost weirdly so, to be honest.   I had coffee with a little soy milk in the morning, a bowl of vegetable soup for lunch (without crackers or anything else with it besides water), and a salad with reasonably low-cal dressing at dinnertime.   During the rest of the day, not only did I not eat anything else, but I also didn’t want to.

Which is, frankly, weird.  On Monday I tried to be better about what I was eating and struggled terribly.  I couldn’t come within ten feet of anything edible without compulsively eating it.  It’s been that way for a few months now, where the effort to fast — or even just go light — has seemed gargantuan.  I’ll no sooner resolve against eating something than something in my brain launches an all-out campaign to convince itself to eat it anyway.  It’s really awful, and after awhile I’m right back into the same habits I was in two years ago when I started this mess, uncomfortably aware of how much I’m eating, fretting over how much others have seen me eat and whether they are judging me for eating what I am, and then trying to eat ‘on the sly’ to escape this perceived judgment.  It’s not good.

But nothing has appreciably changed between Monday and Wednesday this week, so why I was suddenly back on top of my game, I’m not sure.   I had been, of course, aware of my own bad habits and determined on some level to beat them again, and that thought process has been ringing its bell at the back of my mind for awhile now.  Maybe it just took until Monday to hit a threshold that put me back where I needed to be with this.  I hope so.

Regardless, this morning I woke up dimly aware that I could eat cheese popcorn for breakfast if I want to.  Z’s cub scout den sold popcorn as a fundraiser, so I have two bags of the stuff sitting here, calling my name.  Cheese popcorn does not have the hold on me that Chex Mix does, but it’s still right up there.  This is a little weird, because Chee-tos and the like really don’t affect me the same way… but I digress.   I woke up aware that this was the reward day for having succeeded yesterday, and was surprised, yet again, that my reaction was not more eager.  I felt no desire to throw back my covers and beeline for the first bag of popcorn in sight.   I was, in fact, downright dismissive.  Maybe I’ll have some later, but not right now.   It’ll keep.

I am leaving on a trip tomorrow.  I’ll be spending the weekend in Arcadia to hike up the tallest mountain in Missouri.    This sounds terribly impressive until I admit to you that the path up the Taum Sauk mountain is handicapped-accessible and rated an ‘easy’ trail. 😉   This will not be the gruelling task one might expect of a hike up the tallest peak in, say, Colorado.  As peaks go, I think the Taum Sauk probably towers over the highest altitudes one might reach in, say, Kansas or Illinois but that’s the extent of it.  Nonetheless, this is my plan, and apparently the path up Taum Sauk leads to another, more rugged path called the ‘Mina Sauk’, which leads to the tallest waterfall in Missouri.  I think this tops out at 136 feet, so Oregonians with an attitude about altitude can just hush.

Point is, I have a lot to do today.  I hate to go on any trip without cleaning first, so once I’m done here I’ll be folding laundry, straightening, sweeping and dusting to get the house into order before I head out.  There’s also, of course, the issue of packing…which, now that my weight is creeping up, is not nearly as fun as it was a year ago.  I’m back to evaluating my jeans and slacks to determine whether they are ‘safe’ to bring along in that I can trust them to fit me and be comfortable.  I hate that, and maybe that, too, has nudged me back into the mindset I’m in now.

I really don’t care what it is.  I just want it to continue.  There was a Bible Study we did at church awhile back that included a video series featuring various people who had been influential to the church in recent years.  One of these people was a woman who mentioned that she had begun to fast every other day, as ostensibly David did.  She found the idea alarming when it was introduced to her, but was relieved to learn the ‘fast’ in question required only that she eat a vegan diet every other day, not that she abstain from food entirely.  Mom and I twinkled at each other at the time, all validated that someone of presumed relative importance was doing Our Diet.   But that aside, the one thing she said that stuck with me was that, ‘every time I must turn down something I would really like to eat in favor of eating what I should, it’s like exercising a willpower muscle.  Each time it happens, it gets a little easier to continue obeying my own regimen.’

I have noticed that too.  Now if I can just keep that muscle in shape…


Entry filed under: ADF, Successes. Tags: , , , , , .

ADD Day 1: Wednesday Resolve ADF, Day 1 Again: Nothing to it but to do it.


  • 1. Melalvai  |  November 18, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Maybe it’s like a little child throwing a tantrum. Eventually it wears itself out and figures out it’s not going to work (assuming mom or dad doesn’t cave). Your brain wore itself out on Monday.

    It’s kind of amazing the sort of crap that passes for rationale persuasive arguments to me when I want sugar. I’m otherwise an intelligent woman yet I can be swayed by the most specious logic.

  • 2. Iain  |  November 19, 2010 at 9:49 am

    @Melalvai: Good thing I’m pretty good at specious logic…

    Sounds like to me you’re mindset is settling into the “right mode” quickly. The next 19 days will fly by easy-peasy!

    You know, I had no idea we had a waterfall in Missouri. I’ll have to check it out sometime.

    Enjoy your trip!

  • 3. Iain  |  November 23, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Hey! Where’s Day 3,4,5? 🙂

  • 4. Jennifer  |  December 14, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    I know… That’s what’s getting me, too.

    The waterfall isn’t much to speak of this time of year, but it’s presumably downright impressive during wet weather.

    Days 3 4 and 5 were the trip, and my motivation limped along after that. But I’ll start again. I always do.

  • 5. Iain  |  December 14, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Iain cracks his whip!

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